M.A.C. Funny Status Messages

   just had to separate 5 loads of laundry....and they will just have to sit there and think about what they've done....then and only then will I deal with them....

   just had a near death experience and other peoples' lives flashed before my eyes…I have GOT to stop being so f@#king nosey…

   If you were stranded on a deserted island with only a solar powered cd player, and a bieber cd........ how would you kill yourself?

   Kudos on the shaved balls, but try longer gym shorts next time….

   when work feels overwhelming, I just reassure myself that I will die someday....

   now accepting applications for a Valentine...Requirements as follows : 1) Pulse 2) Female...as the day progresses, requirement #1 may become negotiable...

   Alright look...I'll be honest, those pants make your ass look like your inner child grew up, and decided to invite some friends over...

   you ever have a conversation with someone and think...If only your family tree had a few more branches, this conversation wouldn't be so painful...

   Whenever I see small children on leashes, I'm always tempted to run up, scratch their bellies, and ask “How old in human years?”

   why must I be made to feel like a porn star everytime I open yogurt....

   I'm pretending to be hungover today, so nobody at work gets the wrong impression of me...the last thing I want to be labled is a responsible adult...

   If I ever open a knife factory, I'd employ nothing but EMO kids...I'd never have to worry about them reporting an on-the-job injury....

   If reincarnation were real, I'd like to come back as a stomach virus, so I could say that I truly give a sh!t….

   I think 'supervision' isn't nearly as cool as it sounds...

   I think facebook needs an "I've seen this before, but I still like it" button....

   my son just said, "nobody needs a girlfriend till you're married!!"....hmmm...great advice I thought....

   Just took the 'road less traveled'...found Waldo...

   Although it's true that when I think about you I touch myself, it usually involves a sharp instrument to the heart region…you know, as a reminder….

   If anyone is wondering how to build a meth lab, Google apparently has directions on its homepage today…..

   if I could just harness the powers of that groundhog to predict the future...I'd be unstoppable...and I could dig like a mother fu@ker too...