Leeferd Funny Status Messages

   Don't you wonder why people look back at the same spot when they trip over it? As if the sidewalk is going to talk back or laugh at them.

   There should be a statute of limitations on how long a person gets to blame their crappy childhood for their shortcomings.

   It'll be a while before hearing a commentator say: "Tiger Woods struggles to come from behind" doesn't make me giggle.

   According to the segment on American Idol's "Idol Gives Back", they just showed $10 was able to purchase 90 lbs of food. Where do these people shop? I can't do that at Wal-Mart, Kroger, or any other place.

   Can people just go for a bike ride without having to dress up like some Lance Armstrong clone?

   I like to pretend I'm a judge on "So You Think You Can Dance" when I'm at the strip club.

   NFL preseason games are like Cinemax porn. If you haven't seen the real thing in seven months, it gets the job done.

   Dear gas station owners, instead of selling condoms and novelty items in your restrooms, how about you sell toilet paper that doesn't make your butthole bleed? Just a thought.

   need advice on how to make a paper cut to the jugular look like an accident.

   Someone please tell me why in the hell someone would open a tanning salon in an all black neighborhood?

   "Scent" is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.

   Sometimes a big fish in a small pond is just a fat guy in a baby pool.

   It's always nice to have a baker's dozen of something, unless it's like stab wounds or something.

   Ever just met someone you want to put in a large trash bag filled with a couple cinder blocks and drop them from a bridge? No? Me neither.

   tired of these rock bands all sounding the same. They should all just rename themselves "Puddle of NickelCreed."

   thinks it was irresponsible for the Cox Candy Company to make a lollipop. Who would walk into a candy store and ask for a Cox Sucker?

   If "Vampire In Brooklyn" had been a bigger hit, we could have all lived the rest of our lives without these damn "Twilight" movies .

   Snap! Crackle! F*ck!? Did I just put something metal in the microwave?

   Dear 5 Hour Energy, What in the HELL is your idea of this flavor you call "berry?" Dingle?!

   Hiring someone attractive does necessarily not mean they will be a productive employee...unless this person is a prostitute.