JMc Funny Status Messages

   I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.

   When I'm done using a unisex bathroom I leave the seat halfway up....never know who is coming in after me

   I know the voices aren't real but they have some great ideas.

   My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn't touch anything else, so that's good.

   People say circumcision doesn’t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.

   Congrats on your secret admirer! It must be nice having someone who's ashamed to admit they like you!

   I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

   There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom..

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook for me just to freak people out. Things like, "Hey, who knew they had a Chipotle up here?"

   The people who whine about cell phones don't remember how much pointless staring at people there was in the 1990s.

   I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?

   I am trying to give Kim & Kanye their privacy. I just wish they would accept it.

   Netflix gives you 15 seconds between episodes to decide whether or not you're doing anything with your life today.

   You're not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it

   Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.

   If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God, did Mary have a little lamb?

   A lot of kids were upset when they found out Santa was not real, I was more creeped out the fact my parents made me take a picture sitting on a strangers lap and kept it for years.

   The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...

   What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?

   anyone going to tell America's funniest videos about YouTube?