Dopey420 Funny Status Messages

   As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

   Why does the 30 minutes before work go by so fast, causing me to be late. But the last 30 minutes go by slow, causing me to be pissed off.

   Hey youtubers, if your clip wasn't funny the first time around chances are reshowing it in slow mo isn't going to make it any funnier.

   I just saved a bunch of money on my child support by switching to condoms

   What's six inches long, two and a half inches wide, and drives women wild?................................. Money

   When I'm at a bar I aways look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here's a girl who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

   I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

   If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

   I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and I. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a b!tch.

   Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"?

   Baby,baby,baby ooh!" Mom: *walks in* Are you listening to justin bieber AGAIN..? Daughter: No I'm watchin PORN... Mom: Oh thank God

   This girl walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean." Hard of hearing the man says "come again?" She replies, "no mustard."

   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

   The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

   I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.

   They should make a more honest name for 16 and Pregnant. Stupid Little Girls sounds good to me.

   If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "sh!t" and "syphilis."

   Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

   Mirrors don't talk, but lucky for you they don't laugh either