BENDER Funny Status Messages

   They should create an app that makes your cellphone go "ahhhhhh" when you plug it in.

   I know New Year's Eve is long past, but I still like to kiss strangers at the stroke of midnight each night. The key is to not wake them.

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   I'm trying to teach my youngest daughter how to share her toys by watching Sesame Street, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Tony Romo highlights on Sportscenter.

   I could never be a hardcore gangsta rapper because there's probably a limit to how much you can enjoy a scone in public.

   The Man With The Yellow Hat is going to scold Curious George once too often and then be known as The Man With The Yellow Hat And No Face.

   Imagine how many more YouTube hits that "Kony 2012" video would have had if they had included a cat with his head stuck in a paper bag.

   One surefire way to get into a chick's pants is to point at a flower & be like "Look how fuckin' pretty that is."

   I would take Eddie Money's second ticket to paradise, then hope we're not seated together.

   A lot of ladies use fancy face creams at night to look younger, where as I just wear my retainer and read “The Hunger Games”.

   I'm so blessed that I'm not the type of person who says "I'm so blessed."