Funny Status Messages

   I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

   Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

   I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

   Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

   Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool. When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

   Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp? Me: 1970.

   The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

   Parenting fact: The kid who says “wasn’t me” before you even ask the question is definitely the guilty one

   *reading the nutrition facts of a cookie* me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

   Amazing how much technology has advanced with new ways for people to communicate with each other 50 years ago they used to call talking.

   THE MOST CONFUSING DAY IN THE GHETTO IS FATHER'S DAY....

   needs a Facebook button that says "What you just posted makes me want to punch you in the face." Put it beside the "Like" button. Just a suggestion.

   If I have to pass a drug test to work my ass off, you should have to pass one to get welfare!!!

   Remember fellas, no matter how good she looks, if she's single it most likely means someone got tired of putting up with her B.S.

   Some slut I know posted her Facebook status as "I've just had my period." At first, I thought "Shut up, we don't need to know that. How disgusting." Then I realized it was quite funny as all the dudes she has slept with recently all "liked" it.

   The bigger the sunglasses, the crazier the chic.

   Hate America ? Everyone Hates america until your being ass raped by dictators

   While most people are becoming older and wiser, I'm becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.

   Jamaican GPS' would be great. “TURN AROUND, MON. YOU GOIN' DE WRONG WAY. TURN DE ODDA WAY MON. KEEP GOIN' DATTA WAY, MON. TURN COMIN' UP ON DE NEXT LEFT. YOU GOT DIS, MON.”

   the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly...."