Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't always know what my wife is saying....... She can talk 50% faster than I can listen

   Whenever I am feeling good about myself I call my wife to take it down a notch

   Jeremiah was a bullfrog. True story.

   At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.

   C'mon man, nobody's doing it! - Hipster Peer Pressure

   Pets are brilliant at geometry. They effortlessly calculate the angles to most effectively impede your progress in hallways.

   Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was a tense situation.

   All I want is to live well and to die in a manner so bizarre and gruesome it can only be described with a German word.

   I’m an adult. I can buy a pet rock if I want to.

   One of those bathroom extractor fans, but for your negative energy.

   I can count the number of times I've made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

   Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler's Anonymous?

   I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.

   I don't know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!

   Please don't say piracy is a victimless crime... Escape Plan 2 is 1h 45m of my life I will never get back again

   As I gaze out of my window as I have so many times before, sipping my morning coffee, I feel so at peace knowing that I got the last of the creamer.

   Forty years ago I asked this beautiful woman to marry me . . . She responded with, "GET LOST, CARL! YOU CREEP ME OUT!"

   Back in the day google was the encylopedia.

   Whenever I played the piano when I was a kid, my dog would howl. Eventually getting fed up with the dog's howling. My dad said for goodness sakes, can you play something the dog does't know.

   When people hate you, hold your head high and your finger higher.