Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

   Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

   I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

   Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

   Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool. When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

   Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp? Me: 1970.

   The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

   Parenting fact: The kid who says “wasn’t me” before you even ask the question is definitely the guilty one

   *reading the nutrition facts of a cookie* me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

   Amazing how much technology has advanced with new ways for people to communicate with each other 50 years ago they used to call talking.

   I just tried to unfriend someone I am not even friends with.

   The first 5 items on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to nap.

   My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.

   Today is January the 96th

   Could everyone stop typing for a moment while I try to remember if I took my pills. Thank you.

   If your lawyer’s office is in an old Pizza Hut, you’re going to jail.

   Yesterday I went to an antique shop and asked "What's new?". I don't know why that guy gave me a murderous look

   Just had a flashback to a spelling mistake I made earlier.... I may have Post grammatic stress disorder.

   Who needs an alarm clock? Giving mine away because my bladder is set permanently for 5:30AM.

   Don’t let this distract you from the fact The Avengers blew a 5-1 stone lead in the Infinity Wars.