Funny Status Messages

   My kids are so aware that I'm a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

   [On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym] Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn? Her: Yup Me: Me too! Her: How? Your machine isn't even on

   [trick-or-treating] Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it! Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

   Things I learned the hard way in high school: Don't dump Gatorade on your coach's head, especially if you lost the game.

   What if the meaning of life is written somewhere in Facebooks user service agreement no one bothered reading?

   Cardi B's music hits different when you turn it off

   That’s not my fanny pack. That’s my stomach.

   Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids' gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

   Me: I've lost the dictionary Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything

   Sorry, package of water bottles. I'm only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you're sleeping in the car tonight.

   Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

   Please respect my toddler’s need for comfort during this difficult time. Her bath is too wet.

   Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

   Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

   At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

   I put a lot of basil, parsley, rosemary and thyme in my old Volkswagen Beetle... ..it became herby.

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science....

   When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

   Wife: what are you doing Me: teaching the dog poker Wife: where are your pants Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

   Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out.