Funny Status Messages
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has anyone tried unplugging 2020,wait 30 seconds then plugging it back in? 
*Love in the time of coronavirus* Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Someone told me they never understood the concept of cloning, I replied "That makes two of us"
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I’d grill your cheese. ~me, flirting
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
If he wants you to be in his life, he'll put you there. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot on the couch.
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
So far it's been a successful Fathers day. There hasn't been anyone knocking on my door with a "You don't know me, but" opening line yet
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker.
If life were a romantic comedy I would be the guy on a date with the girl when the male lead makes his grand gesture that wins her back.
You can sponsor a child in need for the cost of a cup of coffee. I wanna help, but they really shouldn't be giving coffee to kids.
Sidenote: You can't hide a booger under a glass table.
Finish your plate, there are people starving at Victoria's Secret.
It is Canada Day, so go out and pet a beaver.
The easiest way to childproof your house is to wear a condom.
..... With so many things coming back in style ... I can't wait until Morality, Honesty and Loyalty become the new trend again.
I'm saving my abstinence for marriage.
Well tonight's date night for me and the wife I certainly hope we don't run into each other 