Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

   This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

   My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.

   "My vote is for sale. Anyone want to one up Madonna? I'm taking offers..."

   The only people watching your Facebook Live Streaming are your stalkers.

   I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg, All I want for Christmas this year is fonts.

   You know you are getting old when you throw out your back but you don't know how it happened.

   Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear... You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

   When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

   By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

   I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, "In case I feel like sharing."

   Christmas as a child: "Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!" Christmas as an adult: "SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU"

   50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

   I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a roadside sobriety test. Same thing.

   Just so everyone knows: The bank shut down my debit card because it suspected fraudulent activity and the purchase I had to review was two tickets to see CATS

   I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

   Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.

   A bunch of helicopters should be called hellacopters.

   If you want to look at who controls you, look at who you are not allowed to criticize.