Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I have no idea how I got 80% of my stuff.

   The proper word that describes you would be vinegar sac. Yep, I just said douche bag but in a fancy way!

   Here's your motivational speech... YOU SUCK. Change this.

   If there is one thing I learn from every mistake is I'll never get caught that way again.

   I'm placing myself in "time-out" until I'm able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!

   They say that carrots help you see in the dark - that is crap! After 5 minutes of walking into stuff, I switched back to using a light.

   The worst things in life are also free.

   I would spend more time outside, but it's not as hi-def as my TV.

   Far too many people spend their lives reading the menu instead of enjoying the banquet.

   You can't please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.

   planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.

   Always use tasteful words because you may have to eat them.

   That "Free Smells" sign they hang in the window at Jimmy John's sandwich shops? Yeah, it's a lie. They totally asked me to leave.

   Thank you, flowers, for being the perfect way to say, "My love for you is beautiful but will die very soon."

   Keep it up and you will die pretty early in the book I'm writing.

   Troubles keep me interested in my life :)

   If you ask what I'm thinking my answer will either be so offensive you'll never ask again, or so entertaining you'll ask again minutes later.

   If you look at your shot glass as half-empty, not only are you a pessimist but you obviously have no idea how to really drink.

   One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, weird... I heard you were better."

   Father: "I'm the BOSS. I make the rules and run this house, understand?" Daughter: "Why are you whispering daddy?" Father: "I don't want your mother to hear me."