Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.

   A part of me wants to go to the gym and the other part of me is a liar.

   I hate it when strangers say silly things like, "I don't bite" Yeah, because the first thing I think when I meet someone is "OMG! This b!tch is gonna bite me!"

   I'm "used to get kicked off the internet when the house phone rang" years old.

   Apparently going to coffee with your friends and coming back drunk is frown upon by management .

   My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.

   The worst thing about spanking a kid in Wal-Mart is that I have no idea who's kid this is.

   No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won't be enough.

   Like a good neighbor,I don't really care.

   Has science explained why you have to walk around the house when on the phone?

   I just drank a whole pot of coffee and now I can stutter in sign language.

   Watching this cool nature show about a bunch of apes who think they can sing. It's called "Glee" or something.

   If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I dammit.

   Did you know if you watch Twilight backwards, it's still sh!t?

   Co-worker keeps asking me what's wrong so I told her I'm irritated because some idiot won't quit asking me what's wrong.

   If you think sleeping with your girlfriend’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes.

   Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.

   Knock, knock. Honey, have you finished taking pictures of yourself for facebook? Daddy needs to take a sh!t.

   Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".

   If you don't love me at my worst, good call. I wouldn't put up with me either.