Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Studies show that cats understand human commands, but don’t care to follow them.

   I’m not challenging your authority; I’m denying it completely.

   Your guitar is out of tuna. ~ Cat

   Her: Say something hot. Him: Burn in hell.

   My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.

   When you’re tired of your cat showing you it’s butthole so you show it yours.

   There’s someone for everyone, and the person for you is a psychiatrist.

   You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.

   Me: At the cookout, asking everyone how they like their burger, before making them all exactly the same.

   If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Ladies, it’s time to start thinking about if the guy you’re dating has post-apocalyptic warlord potential.

   Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.

   Brain: I can see you’re trying to sleep; can I offer a selection of your worst memories?

   Cinderella must have had some strange feet if her slipper didn’t fit anyone else in town.

   When the cross-eyed mechanic says, “no worries sir, I did the alignment myself.”

   Am I a good mother, Susan. Susan: My name is Amy.

   If some guy named “Corn Pop” was real, pretty sure he would have come forward by now.

   Tact ~ The ability to tell someone to go to hell and they look forward to it.

   Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.

   When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.