Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Silent farts, deadly farts, all was calm, not for long 😂

   I like to make people who hate me, hate me even more.

   That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.

   All of us: Ministry of “truth”, inflation, supreme court leak, border crisis, war. Mainstream Media: “Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard.”

   Then the son asked his dad, “I’m still confused. Was I born in a nest or a hive?”

   Woman makes misconduct claim against Elon Musk, like clockwork.

   Land-o-lakes ~ they got rid of the Indian and kept the land.

   If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be hell toupee.

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if it knew its descendant would turn out to be a Pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   If we removed all laws, the crime rate would be 0%.

   “Just be yourself, say something nice.” Me: Which one? I can’t do both.

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   Once you carry your own water, you’ll learn the value of every single drop.

   It’s called gross pay, because it’s disgusting to see what you could’ve made.

   Rectal Grease complained to HR and now we’re not allowed to use nicknames at work anymore.

   Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.

   You can put whatever you want on a “to do” list, there are no rules. I put wake up and drink coffee on mine. Already knocked two things off my list and it’s not even lunch time yet. God, I’m good.

   Triggered! Go dip your head in some radical raspberry Kool aid and have a cookie. Oh, and logout… your mum will be home soon.

   You only live once, so make sure you spend 16 hours a day on the internet desperately seeking validation from complete strangers.

   Dating in 2022 be like: Find someone who also can’t afford rent alone. It won’t be hard.