Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry

   I can't wait for 12G phones,,, They'll be able to post my posts before I'm finished typing them,, And they'll probably be funnier too.

   I'm pretty sure the way my brother just depicted Oprah in Draw Something should be considered nothing short of a hate crime.

   Hmmm,, So what you're saying, is that if the parrot is on his right shoulder,,, he's a butt pirate?.. Ummm, I'm only here to get my parking validated.

   I made some urgent upgrades to your computer. Did you know it had NO maple syrup in it before? Guess how much maple syrup it has now?... LOTS.

   Weekend plans: Driving around downtown throwing Big Macs at girls with a thigh gap...... *bonus points for getting it into the thigh gap.

   *pulls up alongside you at a red light blasting an audio book

   I wanted a cigar but they were too expensive. I rolled some tobacco in a piece of brown construction paper........ It was close, but no cigar.

   I actually Luke autocorrect

   Why the hell is Spanish ESPN called ESPN Deportes and not ESPÑol

   I want my casket to have a crank on it that plays the jack-in-box music.

   Who wants to come over and watch me collect dog turds on the wheels of my lawn mower?

   Yes,,, Yesterday,I let the cat out of the bag,,, But today, There's no way she's getting out of that dishwasher

   I'd like to return this pack of gum, They taste awful... "Sir, those are Band-Aids."... Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids,, Someone ate some.

   the percentage of people who "tell you what they want, what they really really want" has dropped drastically since 1996

   Have we found all of the great singers in America yet?,, I'm worried we might not have found them all....Geesh

   My dance style is best described as "is there a bee near me?"

   Everyday I thank the Lord Bear Grylls doesn't have his own cooking show

   PRO TIP: Add 2 drops of lemon juice to your goldfish's water every time you change it, and you won't even have to season them before cooking.

   if you're fighting another pirate ship & your cannonball lands directly in their cannon everyone has to switch eyepatches to their other eye