BEGO Funny Status Messages

   Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed.

   Make sure you love each other for your pleasant personalities coz when the looks are gone its what you will have to live with for the rest of your lives.

   Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram sometimes make me forget I have text messages.

   If there were a pill for stupid....some people would have to take more than one.

   People who squirt Ketchup all over their fries instead of dipping them are not people you want in your life.

   I am sure that in alcohol are female hormones. When I drink I talk too much and dont know how to drive.

   If you didn't hear it with your OWN ears or see it with your OWN eyes, don't go passing it on with your OWN damn mouth!"

   Teacher: From all this noise I assume you're done working Student: From all this b**ching I assume you're still single

   Yo Bi%ch, you hate your parents so much that you have to post it on Facebook. Orphans cry hearts out to have such loving and caring parents. Love your Parents.

   On a walk, my son saw a pay phone, asked what it was. I made him look it up on his Iphone..

   I have a button on my microwave that says stop time. I assume its for the timer but I don't touch it just in case.

   Do you ever get the feeling your being watched? Because if its bothering you, I'll stop...

   Maan !! You're 20 years old & she's 15 years old, HOW COULD YOU CALL IT RELATIONSHIP ? IT'S BABYSITTING !

   At some point you outgrow feelings and you outgrow people. Its nothing personal. Its part of human nature. As much as we would want it to, nothing lasts forever.

   When my phone dies and I don’t have a charger, I might as well be Amish.

   About 50% of the time “good luck” really means “efff you.”

   Marriage is hard. Marriage is so hard Nelson Mandela got divorce. He spend 27 years in prison getting tortured and beaten everyday of his life for 27 years. He got out of jail, spent 6 months with his wife, and said. I CANT TAKE THIS SHI%

   Santa has elves. America has China.

   Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."

   A man's life is spent between episodes of women being mad at him.