Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have OCD and ADD. Which means everything has to be perfect, but not for very long..

   I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

   That moment when you’re worried about the elderly and realize that you ARE the elderly.

   I’m gonna tell you something right now, tis not the time to have allergies.

   when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

   Maybe if I develop feelings for Covid 19 it will leave.

   The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

   2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

   I don't know how you ladies can pluck your eyebrows out.. I just pulled a stray moustache hair and cried like a little girl

   Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

   Me 9am, "I think I'll make roasted chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner."... Me 5pm, "Hi, I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery..."

   It's so cold out I walked into my bank and the tellers were wearing ski masks

   Know how old I am? I still owe Blockbuster $2 for not rewinding St. Elmo's Fire.

   Common sense is so rare this days, it should almost be classified as a superpower

   Countries should not send athletes to the Olympics as a reward, but should send stupid people as a punishment. Your annoying coworker? Ski jumping. Natural selection as its best

   I just saved a$1,375.00 on my Visa card by not going to Disney World .

   Today I am contemplating how much longer I would live if someone shouted "Run for your life!"

   Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.

   Everyone romaine calm and lettuce pray.

   I like being invited to things, it’s the showing up that bothers me.