santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   Dear Santa! I want a fat bank account and a sexy body with rock hard abs for Christmas. Let's not get those two mixed up like you did last year.

   I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October. I call it my jingle bell rock.

   Fair warning: If I see anybody wearing a Santa Claus hat before Thanksgiving I'm going to give them a wedgie, whether I know them or not.

   Wrapping some Christmas presents and just want to say that if any of you get a really nice pair of scissors from me I need them back.

   Santa, you must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during deer season?

   I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up again and ruin Christmas again this year.

   My mom has been attending her own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   Holiday tip: If any of you receive a call from a telemarketer and there's a kid under 5 years old nearby, hand the kid the phone and tell them its Santa.

   Starting today, anyone who even mildly annoys me is having their number handed out to every child I come across, and told that it's Santa's hotline.

   The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to wrap everything you own in tinsel and hope for the best.

   Why are you all still shooting off fireworks? It's July 8th for crying out loud! One of them flew off course and almost hit my Christmas tree!

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   Merry Christmas you filthy animals!

   How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh? Nothing it’s on the house!

   Today's advice: sing Christmas songs at work until they send you home.

   I hate to break it to ya, ladies... but those Christmas cookies you bake every holiday season? Not that good.

   Dear Santa, I was good at being NAUGHTY. Does that count for anything?

   I'm sitting here wrapping Christmas presents with one hand. If any of you find a Band-aid in your gift, don't touch it.. I'm still waiting on the test results.

   Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

   I sure hope you like your Christmas gift... It's a year's supply of me!