santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   Holiday tip: If any of you receive a call from a telemarketer and there's a kid under 5 years old nearby, hand the kid the phone and tell them its Santa.

   Starting today, anyone who even mildly annoys me is having their number handed out to every child I come across, and told that it's Santa's hotline.

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   I hate to break it to ya, ladies... but those Christmas cookies you bake every holiday season? Not that good.

   Today's advice: sing Christmas songs at work until they send you home.

   How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh? Nothing it’s on the house!

   Dear Santa, I was good at being NAUGHTY. Does that count for anything?

   I'm sitting here wrapping Christmas presents with one hand. If any of you find a Band-aid in your gift, don't touch it.. I'm still waiting on the test results.

   Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

   I sure hope you like your Christmas gift... It's a year's supply of me!

   Don't forget to tip your food delivery drivers this Christmas as Santa is watching, who's also a delivery guy.

   I’d like to be the first to wish you all a very merry Christmas

   I didn't even know what to buy people for Christmas until I heard about these exploding pagers and walki-talkies.

   It's finally November! That means it's time I get to start saying the two words everybody wants to hear: Merry Christmas!

   Oh, so you're preparing turkey again for Christmas? Twice in one month. Kudos to you. I'm overwhelmed by your imagination.

   Warning! If you get a link that says "Justin Barber sings Christmas carols" Don't open it! It's Justin Barber singing Christmas carols.

   Not a lot of great things listed in Craigslist free section today. Unless any of you guys would like a slightly used mattress for Christmas?

   It's beginning to look a lot like I'm going to have to go on a diet after Christmas.

   Walmart is giving away free Christmas decorations as long as you can outrun security.

   They need to stop remaking A Christmas Carol. The Muppets did it the best. Everyone else needs to sit down and move on