Snotty Funny Status Messages

   *Day 138 of having "Take Me To Church" stuck in my head.

   lol no thanks,,, my tires rotate themselves every day

   I really hope my fantasy football teams do well this year.... I need a resume booster.

   Hmmm,,,,,,, I think this coffee is broken

   I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog... The dog gets it.

   Well,, It's like this,,,,, My car makes this funny noise whenever I run over a clown...

   Peeing in the bath to rewarm it for her is not as romantic as you may think.

   HAHA !!,, I just saw a picture of Katy Perry holding a guitar and it looked just like when I make my cat pretend he's typing

   I no longer wish to share this nation's roads and highways with others.. Sorry for your inconvenience.

   It's weird how all the floor around my father is made of eggshells.

   Dear Santa... In reguards to my wish list last year, I wrote to you asking, "sex, for a change" Not "for a sex change"... Please fix this

   THAT'S IT,,, I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN......................... * My Tombstone

   "Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we're gonna have to ask you to leave."

   Relationship status: Wife says I'm only slightly more useful than the T in Home Depot

   *Buys Mega-Millions ticket, waits to be hit by a comet*

   I'm starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.

   You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

   A guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane todday... Years of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

   How many donut holes constitute a serving?... Please say 33. Please say 33..... I mean 34. Please say 34.

   I thinkin,,, People in rubber houses shouldn't throw stones either