santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   Won a $50 gift card to Chili's at Christmas raffle. In other news, decided my secret santa is getting a $14.37 gift card to Chili's for Christmas.

   It's so nice having my family around for the holidays. It really makes me appreciate their absence the rest of the year.

   Santa put me in charge of the naughty list this year. So if you have been naughty inbox me so we can talk about your punishment and gift.

   I don't get "drunk" during the holidays I get "festive".

   Girls just wanna have fun? Yeah right, just try and not get her a Christmas present and see where that gets ya.

   I've decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term 'Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."

   Every Christmas for the last 15 years, I've been too drunk to remember the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, enough is enough. It's time to get my act together. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   .. To make sure they will arrive on time, I'm mailing my Christmas cards now.

   FACT : If someone is playing Xmas music in October, you're legally allowed to kill them and use their corpse as a Halloween decoration.

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.

   Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt

   HOW TO WRAP PRESENTS: - Ask somebody else to wrap presents

   The holidays are always tough on me.... One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn't up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family. Still haunts me.

   A Citizen's Arrest for the next person who asks me if I'm ready for Christmas.

   Dear Santa, Don't bother coming to my house this year. I've been naughty and it was f*cking worth it, you judgemental son of a b*tch!

   Sooo, the real moral of Rudolph's story is that no one will like you until you have something they want or need? Now that's the Christmas spirit!

   Decided to put up a Christmas tree this year....wrestled with it a bit..finally got in in place... it smells like Christmas now.. and it looks so cool, hanging from my car's rearview mirror :)

   I just saved a bunch of money on Christmas by switching to single

   In Dec, cops should take off the blue lights and make them green. It's more festive... Like getting pulled over by Santa.