Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I know it's 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?

   BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.

   Next time someone presses the elevator button you've already pressed,,, act totally impressed & tell them they did it waaaay better than you.

   If I was single, I would have a stick figure of myself on the back of my car next to a bag of cash.

   I have a theory that the world will end in 5105, and we've been reading the Mayan calendar upside down

   I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

   My neighbor is the CEO of a factory that makes annoying children

   I got my killer quads from hovering over public toilets.

   Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

   My favourite part of driving through my state,, is the four-mile stretch of highway that isn’t under construction.

   Hello and welcome to DeVry orientation.. Sign-in sheets are on the left, Steve is passing out your diplomas,,, thanks & congrats class of 10:47.

   I just found out that his full name is actually,, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

   I LOVE sleeping,,,,,, It's like being dead,,, Without all the commitment

   My driver's side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I'm probably gonna starve to death..

   My mother-in-law's coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep

   Just called the bank for my account info,, and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'

   I guess you could call her a trophy wife. She’s tattooed with the names of the previous winners.

   Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.

   Awww.... It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

   Somehow,, We've got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.