Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Those people who try to tear you down are just pissed that they can't reach you where you are standing.

   The word “but” is a great way to let people know that the first part of your sentence was all a lie.

   I love you so much that there's almost no chance I'd use you as a human shield against a Navy SEAL'S attack.

   You know those times when you just can't think of anything good to write, so you just post some crap? KNOCK IT OFF!!!

   I met a girl in the pub last night and we ended up back at my place. I didn't have a clue what I was getting myself into. So I politely asked her to shave it.

   The nice thing about waiting a week to listen to your voicemail is that those people usually don't need you for that thing anymore.

   Sorry to hear about the whole “losing your mind thing.” But I know you pretty well and I don't think you'll miss it.

   I saw the new Facebook movie. Filling the theater with annoying people adds a realistic touch.

   I told my boss I couldn't make it to work because of the weather today. "But it's sunny outside," he said. "Exactly," I replied, as I pop open a beer.

   Now that I have the Facebook timline it looks like I didn't exist before 2009, when, in fact, that's when I stopped existing!

   I had to leave my new girlfriend. She was just going through too much stuff at the time. Mainly my phone and my wallet.

   Someone should check on Tyler Perry. He hasn't released a movie in like a week.

   wondering if Jewish Rabbi get paid for circumcision or do they just keep the tips???

   I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself.

   Ten bucks says Slash has no idea where he is.

   Sometimes I feel like kicking you in the face ... but then again WHY should I help improve your looks?

   I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes.

   How many blondes does it take to change a diaper? I don't f*ckin' know ask Hugh Hefner

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting.

   A survey found 95% of men don't know how to turn a dishwasher on. Personally I find licking her nipples and a light fingering does the trick.