SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Man, this wall is high. My back is owie. - Spiderman at 37

   Don't let the kickass part scare you, I'm as harmless as a honey badgar.

   If someone says they "rescued" a dog, immediately kidnap it so they can perform another heroic rescue, since they're into that.

   I'm not saying this plane is small & rickety but I'm pretty sure the crossword puzzle was filled out by the Big Bopper.

   "Our instruments can make sounds!" --all sh!tty indie rock bands.

   It's funny how so many expectant moms don't like it when I use the term "invading organism."

   I bet pyromaniacs were jonesing pretty bad before that first caveman figured out how to make fire.

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

   I think it's time for me to pick something to care about.

   My Roomba has seen too much.

   Divas are fun and all, but do your best to keep them away from open flame. Their faces are highly susceptible to melting.

   Dr. Phil died. I mean... he's dead to me. Close enough.

   This is how you know you're at a TX auction: you're in a barn, there's no air-conditioning and there's free booze.

   In my head the Burger King and the Dairy Queen are married. And they have children named Wendy and Ronald McDonald.

   I can't decide whether to have another beer or just take all these sleeping pills.

   My daddy didn't come to my play in 2nd grade so now I do MMA.

   We sympathize with, but must reject any articles on how to quickly turn a candy cane into a shiv at stressful family gatherings.

   Since going green, Santa has stopped using coal and now fills the stockings of kids on the naughty list with windmills.

   Countries should have to declare thumb war before declaring actual war.

   Couldn't eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.