SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   You can take that tone of "here comes the shocking part" out of your voice. I've already guessed the ending.

   As a kid, did you ever see Santa claw himself down the chimney and make fun of your pyjamas? My shrink claims it never happened!

   My vet has more hair coming out of his ears than my dog. Pretty rad.

   Every rule has an exception, especially this one.

   I have a thing for girls who have a thing for guys with a thing.

   The House of Representatives should be replaced with a mix of carnies, some Wayans, a few Pilates teachers, & the Oakland A's.

   If it's consistency you're shooting for, it's pretty simple to disappoint all of the people all of the time.

   When someone asks "Know what I'm sayin'?" simply recall the thing they JUST SAID & you can "know what they're sayin'."

   Christmas Eve. As we they in San Francisco: May the corpulent bearded homo sapien in the scarlet suit smile upon your chosen shrubbery.

   Ah, Portland. The Land of Port. I'm originally from the Isle of Long.

   Nothing excites me more than seeing my knife shine in the moonlight. Now I wait.

   If I were working 4 the turkey bacon industry I would put a giant pig sculpture made entirely out of turkey bacon in Times Square.

   Now it's pot in the lead! Now it's alcohol! Pills make a late charge! And it's pot! Now alcohol! But here comes sleep!!

   It would be cool if getting Lou Gehrig's disease meant you became amazing at baseball.

   Sometimes, it can be hard to let the cat out of the bag. Like if the bag was plastic and tied too tight, and the kitty is really sleepy now.

   The coolest suicide would be to moisturize and not stop moisturizing until you become a tiny pond that fish and turtles live in

   If we never covered up our genitals, they'd never smell. Happy Valentines Day!

   Call me old-fashioned but I think the best part about Christmas is having your fist inside a 28-pound flightless bird.

   What's up with helmet babies? Let your kid have a funny shaped head. God loves all His children, even the pear-headed ones.

   The death rattle is an unsettling noise. Not "Macy Gray" scary, but still...