Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My morning alarm tone is The Price is Right loser music

   Watching the kids play hide and seek in the park,,, and mine just hid behind a chain link fence.. at least I don't have to save for college

   Overview of my résumé: 1. Quick eater 2. Extensive knowledge of Parkour 3. Argumentative 4: Fired from McDonalds 5: Am I a multi tasker, (I can sneeze and pee at the same) 6: leading my Fantasy Football league..

   It's like my father used to say "Go get that rock over there... I promise I won't drive away this time."

   Ya'll are welcome to try and seize the day... I gave it a whirl, but the damn thing bit me.

   I refused to allow my doctor to diagnose me with OCD.. Acronyms must contain an even number of letters.

   I love this oscillating fan 5 out of every 15 seconds

   I can't understand half the things bilingual people say.

   So I'm at the farmer’s market,,, carefully picking out produce to throw away next week.

   It was the busta rhymes,,, It was the wursta rhymes

   "Slow, I say a-slow! Slow ride, I say. Take it easy now, I say, a-take it real easy, now I say." -Foghat Leghorn

   Son: Dad, what's a hypocrite?.... Me: It's when an idiot wants to change the name of a football team while putting Aunt Jemima syrup on waffles.

   Every time I hear Earth Angel,,, I check my hands to make sure I'm not fading.

   Sometimes,,, I wish marriage between a man and woman was illegal too.

   "Don't stop bereaving."..............Karaoke singer at a Japanese funeral..

   Thought I had a political tweet but it ended up being gas

   You're supposed to wash asparagus before throwing it away,,, right?

   * Throws caution to the wind.... Wind throws it back and tells me I throw like a girl.

   Went to Walmart today. They accepted me as one of their own.... *cough-cough* go on without me... Save yourselves.

   Yes,, I'll come to your third wedding,, but let it be known that your gift will be a set of irregular sheets.