SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   If I had an anal fissure, I would go around bragging, “I'm so ripped.”

   I'm not mooning you. I'm turning the other cheek.

   I have several McDonald's plastic food trays, because once you've snorted a bunch of coke off of one, you feel guilty about putting it back.

   I wanna build a house on the graves of the two dead kids from Poltergeist.

   “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” are the same letter, but with a different angle.

   Not sure why there isn't a Williams sister sitting on my face right now.

   "You moved the headstones but you never moved the chicken bones!!" (Poultrygeist)

   A lady called me 'Feckless' and I was forced to admit it - I am totally without Feck.

   To celebrate my 666th tweet I'm going to sacrifice a virgin & bite the head off a chicken. AKA "sex behind KFC"

   "Days of Our Lives" could also be called "Men who dye their hair"

   America leads the world in reality shows about what female reality show stars do after their reality shows end.

   Just drank a Red Stripe, smoked a spliff, listened to dub reggae and watched The Harder They Come, yet I'm still TERRIBLE at bobsledding!

   Some people can stop rocking. I, however, am not one of them.

   I didn't know the name of the curly-mustachioed head shop proprietor, but that didn't make him a "stranger." And so, I accepted his candy.

   Dont be afraid of change, its inevitable. Unless youre homeless. Then you might have to go around asking for it. By the way, I dont have any.

   Congrats on ur Bar Mitzvah. Today you r a man, which you'll now illustrate by going apes*** over presents.

   So, we are allowed to pee in our own showers, just not other people's showers. Check. My neighbor is never looking at me the same, is he?

   I fear that if the Mississippi "life begins at conception" bill passes, my army of tissue babies will rise up & take over the world.

   Kelly Ripa and KrIsten Chenoweth are made from 100% recycled Dolly Parton scraps.

   Welcome to the SATs - your score today may determine which College Loan you'll be paying well into your 40s. Let's begin.