Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I'm not crazy for God's taste in music.

   I just read the "100 things to do before you die" list.... I'm kinda surprised that "call 911" didn't make the cut.

   We couldn't afford to go to "SeaWorld",, So I took the kids to the fish market,, and it went like this.. Kids: Dad,, why aren't the fish moving? Me: Shhh,,,, the fish are sleeping.. Kids: But,,They're breaded ?Me: that's their blankie..

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?

   It's a good thing that not everyone has a smartphone... Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

   You can take my advice, I’m not going to use it.

   How to fold a fitted sheet... 1) Stand with arms apart... 2) Sacrifice a goat... 3) Trust the void... *distant screaming... *PANIC... 4) Throw sheet into ocean

   Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?".. Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and said it would be $6 for coffee"

   Ummmm, yes,,, I need to return this Taylor Swift calendar.. After 4 dates, it fell apart and wrote a vicious song about me.

   "Use the forceps, Luke!" - Obi Gyn Kenobi

   Thank you for the $50 gift card to Whole Foods. I will cherish this organic apple.

   It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries

   I've actually done 36 Ninja posts today but nobody's seen them.

   If you quit school, just remember these two things... 1: You tried your best, and 2: I don't like pickles on my Big Mac.

   According to this BMI chart,,, I'm too short.

   Listen,,, any sport is dodgeball if you aren't very good.

   The gotye concert was amazing. kept playing "Somebody That I Used To Know" over & over. Easy to go to the bathroom, concessions.. Would recommend

   I just finished coloring Snooki's new book.

   Shout out to my parents... BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN HEAR ME.

   I have done literally nothing in my life to prevent forest fires.