SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I just heard someone described as a "YouTube star" which I don't think is actually a thing.

   I have jury duty in the court of public opinion today.

   Are you cranky when you wake up? You might be suffering from Early Morning Fatigue Disorder, or EMFD.

   I'm getting physical therapy for my back. I bet Spider-Man never has to get physical therapy for his back. I hate not being Spider-Man. :(

   6:37am. Out of duct tape AND ether. Plan aborted. For now.

   Anti Depressants should be called 'Mirth Control.'

   Someone puked on my sister's front steps last night. Signs pointing to me. Looking for clues.

   Women are like canoes. Actually they're really more like kayaks. Which one has the pointy things? OK; I don't understand canoes/women.

   My feelings are torn regarding the spork. On one hand, it's pretty cool. On the other...it's kind of a showoff.

   Just because your neighbors aren't on vacation doesn't mean you still can't go through their mail.

   In my experience, passionately singing Phil Collins will clear a room.

   Sometimes all it takes is a Bud Light at sunset to make me question my atheism.

   Uranus is a gas planet.

   Last year I asked Santa to bring me the sexiest person alive for Christmas and I woke up in a box. I guess I should have been more specific.

   I truly believe that every one of you have that one tweet in you that could change the world or remind me to change the bong water.

   Want to hurt someone's confidence? Shoot them with a gun.

   We let you do whatever you want. Otherwise, why the hell would you ever come here?? - Nevada's State Motto

   If you were a ten year-old boy, what would you want most from Bath and Body Works?

   If your hands don't look like you just delivered a baby when you finish eating wings....not enough hot sauce.

   I think it'd be cool if they put up a statue of me in a park where I'm shirtless and carving a statue of myself.