Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I slapped you, didn't seem like you would stop talking so I panicked.

   The CDC just announced that you can stop wearing socks with your sandals.

   A guy limps into Dairy Queen and orders a strawberry sundae. The cashier asks, “crushed nuts?” and the guy says, “no, it’s just my bad knee.”

   Dirty talk, but you both use your customer service voice.

   The difference between a conspiracy theory and reality is about two weeks.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.

   If you’re stranded in the middle of the ocean, don’t fart. Scramble the letters and make a raft.

   Started a new diet, nothing but baked beans and prune juice for the next nine weeks.

   These mask mandates just made ventriloquism a lot easier.

   My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

   Facebook was removed for violating Facebook community standards.

   So how long before GoFundMe is our nation's leading health care provider?

   If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

   ME: welcome to my man cave. PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

   Recipes should include photos of the mess you have to clean up afterwards.

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.

   If I know one thing for sure it's that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they'd eaten more celery.

   Walmart is asking customers to wear masks. Good luck with that. They can't even get them to wear pants...