Snotty Funny Status Messages

   There's nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.

   The inventor of the doorbell OBVIOUSLY did not own a chihuahua

   The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man's ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.

   By the volume of the pans clanging amd slamming in the kitchen... I think I'm supposed to be volunteering to help with something

   Pretty sure I look forward to my boss' vacation's more than he does.

   I'm so old... I grew up in an era where you had to go to channel 3 to play video games.

   The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

   "Any way you can speed this up, officer? I'm obviously in a hurry."

   Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.

   I think it's safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.

   Hey person calling from a blocked number, I'm not answering...... Ever.

   The most frustrating thing I've ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

   Possible "Breaking Amish" sequels:.. #1:Friday Night Without Lights... #2:That 1870's Show... #3:The Big Barn Theory...#4:Not-Modern Family

   *whispers* ...and here we have a teen loading a washer with clothes--unprovoked... A rare sight, seldom witnessed outside captivity.

   According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.

   My dad's TV volume is always set at "screw the neighbors".

   Facebook: "Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?" Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.

   Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms... 2. Describing tumors... 3. Playing golf

   They say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so when I eat a hotdog I try to finish it in 6 seconds so it doesn’t get awkward.

   Had a mishap while making coffee just now that is best explained through interpretive dance...