Hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   This entire time I thought YOLO was a new frozen yogurt store.

   Press 1 for English. Press 2 For Spanish. Press 1 or 2 for Indian.

   If you cut soda from your diet, you'll save over $1000 a year and could spend money on more important things, like beer, meth, and skittles.

   If the plot of Breaking Amish isn’t an Amish guy with cancer who sells light bulbs to pay his medical bills then you can count me out.

   Laziness walks in my family

   Just read a report that said 86% of holy water tested had fecal matter in it. Holy shít!!

   People say that my analogies are as bad as a candle on a forklift.

   On a scale from 1 to dyslexic, how 10 am I?

   Obama banned from Call of Duty for using unlimited drone strikes cheat. Biden’s in the corner with a SNES controller making airplane sounds.

   When you find the right person, you shouldn't even be able to tell the difference between being "single" or in a "relationship". That's the key. 

   It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."

   I decided to follow my dreams and it led me to a casino, then to 4 bars, an hour ago I was in a gun shop and now I'm in front of a bank.

   I keep a baseball bat under my bed just incase someone breaks into my house while I'm sleeping and throws a baseball at me

   My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... So that I can find a better girlfriend!

   My wife finally agreed to have a 3 way with me. Her and her divorce lawyer fùcked over me really good.

   Reads all the pro/anti Obamacare posts. Makes jerk-off motion. Sprains wrist. Files insurance claim.

   The fastest way to fix that annoying noise in your car, is to just open the door..... And push her the f out.

   Maybe Tom Cruise isn’t gay and is just a really good actor.

   Dear Michelle Obama. The White House is NOT like a prison. American citizens can visit prisons.

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me "Where were you between four and six?" I replied, "Kindergarden"