SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Next week I'm going to leave my son home and bring a canned ham to his T-ball practice and see if the coaches notice.

   The radio... making car rides less awkward since 1927.

   Whenever I hear a car alarm I'm like "Oh no! How can I help that person whose car is in distress? By rubbing poo on their door handle?"

   Which is scarier, faceless kittens or faceless babies? And what's in ketamine?

   Geez, how many pigs do I have to kill to get the term "hamicide" to catch on.

   Carefully vet all stories regarding the holiday. We don't need another "children dressing as Count Hanukkah the vampire" debacle this year.

   Dr. Drew, we're here because we love you, and we're concerned about your addiction to putting addicts on TV.

   I'm supposed to use beer to wash out the remnants of glue from my brain electrodes. Does it matter what kind of beer?

   I perfected the art of swilling so that nobody could say I have a drinking problem.

   Studies indicate that most of the damage can be reversed in about 15 years, if you want to let your babies start smoking now.

   When people younger than me complain about getting old, I beat them to death with the agility of a much younger man.

   One would think it impossible for Turkey Jerky to actually taste as revolting as it sounds. One would be wrong.

   The guy next door is a sleeptalker. The girl in the other room is too quiet. We're all being monitored by people in white uniforms...

   I'm one of the premiere snugglers of my generation.

   People still talk about the Clinton sex scandal as if the meteoric rise and fall of the Sneaker Pimps wasn't the 90s drama du jour.

   Yelling "I DIDN'T INVITE YOU IN" doesn't work on spiders but it will freak out twilight fans.

   The Revolution will not be televised but a podcast seems inevitable.

   If you ever have the strangest sensation that I'm communicating with you telepathically, it's because I totally am!

   It's important to let go of your dreams if you want to make room for more brownies.

   'Erotic Thriller' always sounds better than 'Terrible Film.'