Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Not to alarm anyone but I just saw a flying pig. It was in a helicopter but I couldn't figure out which one of the Kardashians was it.

   All women get paid for sex. Some take cash, others accept three lunches/dinners as payment.

   why drunk showers are a bad idea: almost accidentally waterboarded myself. moral of the story: use the buddy system.

   Always hide your liquor from your boss, that way you never have to worry about...sharing.

   I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke?

   It's hard to get the first kiss right. You want to be firm, but gentle; you want to be manly, but you don't want to wake her up.

   When playing Modern Warfare 3 video game, is the menu suppose to…okay, I guess by now the girls have stopped reading. So fellas, any of you out there get nervous when make up sex starts with a BJ?

   Ellen DeGeneres would make an amazing Crocodile Dundee.

   Makeup? Nowadays, it's more like cake-up.

   Condoms definitely lessen the pleasure but kids kill it altogether.

   Would you like your disappointment on the rocks?

   I dreamed about you slowly unzipping my pants, but I know that's just a fantasy. Because I'm not wearing pants.

   If you're doing it right there's no need for lube.

   I am done making fun of fat people, they have enough on their plate already.

   I'm scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

   Girl on the bus keeps looking at my crocs. This is how sex starts. Watch and learn virgins.

   "You don't have to send your mother anything today, we already paid her enough." - Gay dad

   Siri, when is Jesus coming back?

   My girlfriend said she's sick of me 'always being RIGHT'.... So I LEFT

   If you ask if I want my beer in a glass, I will punch you in the face for wasting valuable booze time with ridiculous questions.