Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

   Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

   They’re sending another 40 billion in aid to eastern Europe while our babies starve. That ought to make you mad as hell.

   I’m so competitive, I don’t let anyone ruin my life more than I do.

   I don't know about you, but Ef-Az-Zzee's "impregnate" comment really creeped me out.

   Nobody likes a shady beach.

   “It will be celebrated with pomp and parade, bonfires and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other.” ~ John Adams

   Dear Hulu, Disney, Apple, Netflix, Amazon, CBS, NBC, and everyone else trying to create a streaming service: we’re not going to pay for eight of these, work it out.

   Twenty years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.

   Welcome to McBrandon’s…. Would you like some lies with that?

   My friend’s uncle was a hypochondriac. People like that make me sick.

   If your IQ is 35 but you think it’s 220, you’re probably a moron.

   Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!

   That’s a horrible idea. What time?

   We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

   The death toll rises: A man dies of a heart attack a year and a half after eating a corndog at the Jan. 6th riots.

   Milk comes from cows, not almonds or other hippy lifestyle products.

   If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

   I do not like your mental haze. I do not like your leftist ways. I do not like your son on blow. I do not like you Sleepy Joe.

   Was stung by a bee, guess what happened? That’s right, a Welp.