SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Anybody else having trouble finding a Tebow jersey small enough to fit on their light-up baby Jesus?

   I just killed someone with kindness but they were miraculously resurrected as a demi-douche and expunged me with brazen disregard.

   They should make a bubble bath that smells like diesel exhaust for us manly men.

   What all do I want on my 5 dollar footlong you ask? Let's just say I want you to have to sit on it like a suitcase to get it to closed when you're done.

   The nice black lady working at my hotel is named "Cliche". I hope her brother is named "Stereotype".

   Super-Sorry to the family I choked out at the laundromat this a.m. I thought you all stole my beige sock. Just found it in car!

   Ryan Seacrest owns a $6000 toilet & Van Gogh sold 3 paintings in his entire lifetime. Any questions?

   Does it count as naked if you're wearing a hat? I say yes.

   If actions speak louder than words, why can't I hear mimes?

   My religion combines Buddhism & Scientology, or Buddhintology. I believe in Celebrities & Emptiness.

   Build a barricade?! Crap, I thought you said build a bear arcade. Those bears are gonna be pissed when I tell them no more Cruis'n USA.

   Some french fries are excellent, and other french fries are just an acceptable way to eat ketchup.

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues.

   It sucks at first when squirrels get into your house but then it turns out they're pretty fun to watch TV with.

   My demographic doesn't include folks unfamiliar with the word demographic.

   America's favorite neighbor isn't Applebee's. It's the neighbor I just met whose garage door code is the same as his ATM Pin (3-5-9-8).

   As a non-smoker, "Thank You for Not Smoking" signs make me want to be thanked for other sh!t I'm not doing.

   The Internet is the world's greatest source of things you don't really need.

   My grandfather was a wise man, which is probably why every Christmas he only gave me Myrrh.

   My friend complained that the place she's housesitting didn't have a corkscrew, but I found it in .02 seconds, for I...am a Booze Whisperer.