Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Told a girl to make me a sandwich & she was like "go away, sexist idiot!". Cool but telling me I'm sexy doesn't make me less hungry.

   Sometimes I wonder if my mind is an amusement park for demons.

   5 missed calls from your girlfriend means you have missed a good night. 5 missed calls from your wife means....that you are screwed!

   "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.

   Sorry I confused sexual tension with regular tension and got us both fired.

   Over thinking. Ruining great ideas since women began.

   If cats could deliver pizza, I would be pretty much done with all human interaction.

   People who don't return the favour during oral sex are the real terrorists.

   There's this guy at work who's always putting on a sweatshirt. No one's ever seen his face.

   Brush your teeth before you complain.

   Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.

   People without profile pictures are terrorists.

   I am woman, hear me Blah, Blah, Blah.

   Stupid cats stealing all our women.

   Tell me I drink too much so I can drink about that too.

   Doing stuff is the root of all evil.

   Her: How's your drink? Me: It's ok. I can't taste the alcohol though Her:That's cause we're at the gym and its a protein shake

   A car full of sluts is called a fish tank

   My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'.

   blunt so fat it swims with a shirt on