Funny Status Messages
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I don't get how holding the door for a stranger is polite but flushing the urinal for them isn't. 
If exercise eliminates excess fat how come some people have double chins?
Don’t be selfish by asking god to find you a soul mate. God has bigger fish to fry, like cure diseases and save lives.
....and THAT is how I won the staring contest against Mt Rushmore.
If you are a por n addict, it’s not advisable to go to church, coz when the women kneel you anticipate something else.
waiting for the chinese to develope a way for me to order my food online and not have to listen to their crap anymore.
Did you know some female spiders eat the male spider after mating? She's like "Ya sure I'll have your babies and you for dinner"
''Do I look like a motherf**king comedian? Don't f**king heckle me. I'm Kanye motherf**king West. I'm dead f**king serious.''
I just found out that eating spinach doesn't make you stronger.......now..… I … I just … my whole life has been a lie.
An employee is a person who wears a tag and idle around seriously.
needs a woman to give me Blue balls to celebrate BB Kings life...
Who called it "camel toe" and not... oh wait, "camel toe" was there perfect thing to call it. Good job dude who called it camel toe.
I always lick my lips when I see kids in public places because they need to realize their are bad people in this world
I dont think the ugly loser should become president!
Santa came down the chimney, at half past three. W
Learn to carry your heaven with you. I mean learn to carry your liquor with you. Same thing anyways.
Good grief...dont just sit there with a stupid look on your face like Stephen Hawking...say something!
You are 18 yrs old, dating a 52 year old man and your status update says "I can't wait to see my baby" is he your baby or ANCESTOR?
Seems like a circular driveway would be pointless...how would you ever get out?
Whenever I fly and there's a little bit of turbulence, all I can think of is that I'm going to die. 