Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

   A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

   Don’t forget to feed your girlfriend every couple of hours or it gets cranky.

   If you watch my life backwards, I’m a weight watchers success story.

   Welcome to Oregon, tampons are in every boy’s bathrooms.

   You don’t need drugs to get high when you’ve got a 42-foot articulated bucket truck.

   Gas prices hit a new record high and Biden cancelled lease sales for oil and gas on more than a million acres on the same day.

   Do you remember Jan. 6th last year? Yeah, 2.19 a gallon.

   Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   The left is like, I paid $7.00 for gal. gas, $8.00 for gal. milk, rent is twice my monthly income, there’s shortages of everything, crime is surging, the world’s on the brink of chaos, but I’m happy because Trump isn’t in office.

   If you’re shorter than 4 foot your pronouns are, eeny-meeny-miny-moe.

   If you’re taller than 6 foot, your pronouns are fi-fi-fo-fum.

   If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

   Accomplishing the impossible means the boss will add it to your regular duties.

   I follow the call of the disco ball.

   Adult videos gives young people an unrealistic idea of how fast a plumber will come to your house.

   If you've ever used the word welp, there's no need for the rainbow flag.

   If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.

   If you think you have it tough, read history books.