SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   That scene in Boogie Nights when Julianne Moore says "C*m on my t!ts, if you can, OK?" epitomizes what the holidays are like with my family.

   You should never care what other people think of you. Unless you're a dude who wears sandals.

   The best thing about an ultrasound photo is you can tag any guy you've had sex with in it and he'll think you're pregnant & that's his baby.

   It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Which proves that happy people are really f***ing lazy.

   Quick- does anyone know where I can get one of those undercover cop cars? This is important.

   Why do I feel like the garbage can in my house is a game of Jenga & nobody told me we were playing??

   There is a button on my oven that says 'stop time'. I am pretty sure it means 'stop timER' but I don't push it just in case.

   Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.

   Judge your self-worth by how far you can stick your finger up your nose.

   Merry Christmas (I'm not showing off but I bet I get that trending all day today)

   I call bullsh!t on these retro bottles of Coca-Cola. They make you add your own cocaine.

   Do I still get to be one of those uppity "I don't watch TV" people if it's just because I sold mine for methadone?

   It's trick OR treat, kid. Now pick a damn card!

   I wish I had a Strategic Beer Reserve to tap into.

   I was watching the news & saw poor people being busted for illegal mood-altering drugs. Then came all those commercials for the legal ones.

   I just had to think to remember how to write a capital "P", so if anyone needs a tutor for their kid or anything, hit me up.

   Considering that not one of those Three Wise Men bothered to bring a crib or diapers for Baby Jesus, they should simply be known as 3 Dudes.

   "A car with a spoiler is approaching." - Spoiler Alert

   Christianity should not be cover for Douchebaggery.

   If antihistamines are used to make meth, then it stands to reason that meth will help my chest cold.