Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, I would choose alive,,, because eating with dead people is just creepy.

   Plot twist: WebMD says you're just thirsty

   Listens to coloring books on tape.

   "BRING ME THE FETUS' OF 3 CHICKENS.".. *Maniacal stare..."Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette"... "AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES"

   Dog owner tip: Never entrust your dog to watch your food for you.

   Rejected Yankee Candle Scents: • Taco • Halibut with Lime • Garden Croc • Macy's credit card • Carbon credits

   What's the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?......... *Asking for my 2 year old

   I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

   It's illegal to destroy US currency but my wife just bought a Kia Sportage which is pretty much the same thing.

   I feel like I haven't seen Lady Gaga wearing a hat of various meats and cheeses in a long time................. Hope she's ok

   Trying to find a wacky way to kill you so that maybe the jury will laugh and let me off

   My grandson just told me that walking to school uphill both ways when I was a kid sounds odd, & I should have found an alternative route on my GPS..

   My 6 year old tried to karate chop a watermelon at the supermarket. Thanks Fruit Ninja

   Facebook is a great way to connect with boring people who are bad at the internet.

   It's not you, It's your posts,, Wait ? You write them,, Nevermind, It's you

   The letter "S" in PMS stands for Satan... I'm pretty sure of this.

   NEWS FLASH: Facebook will expand it's efforts to stop online hate speech,, *in other words, they will be shutting down until after the election

   Welcome to the first meeting of OCD Anonymous. We'll get started as soon as you STOP TURNING THE LIGHTS ON AND OFF, SUSAN!!

   Listen,, If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

   Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?.... Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?