totalpackage Funny Status Messages

   I'm convinced my physical therapist thinks I'm a cross between "Gumby" and "Stretch Armstrong"....Today I left her office (a.k.a medieval torture chamber) folded into some form of decorative origami. :/

   Less than 2% of people polled believed former Penn State coach Jerry San-butt-sky's claims of innocence in an interview last night which makes him even less popular than male pole dancing among the American public!

   I have a very busy Sunday planned today......Watching football and Nascar while converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. ツ

   Sometimes I call the cops on myself so the neighbors think I'm having a kick-ass party! ツ

   Never wave to a proctologist...You may get the finger in return!

   I think the show "Toddlers & Tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   The bad news: Tom Cruise is playing an 80's rockstar at nearly 50, Yikes!!!...The worse news: The only women old enough to play his groupies are Betty White & Barbara Walters! ツ

   found out the reason for our mild Winter....Someone removed the duct tape from Al Gores "pie hole!"

   The bum economy has sent gold prices sky rocketing....It's so high that an angry flash mob looted Mr. T!

   Due to the nice weather, local kids are setting up a lemonade stand on St. Paddy's Day....Jeez, haven't they even heard of green beer?!

   Note to self: Try not to run out of TP the day after thankgiving....Now I'm gonna need a 40 ounce beer and a few "disco biscuits" to deal with all these "Black Friday" freaks!

   thinks facebook should be responsible for funding all these foreign wars it keeps getting us into.....Pay up, Zuckerburg!!!

   Hard to believe Amy Winehouse "vapor locked" today....I always thought that heroine, speed, crack and booze were part of the 4 basic food groups.

   I can't believe they're holding off until Christmas for the M̶c̶D̶e̶a̶t̶h̶ McRib this season.....What better time of year for your McBowels to get the McMoves like McJagger and ruin your holiday?!

   Last years Halloween hand-outs of cough drops and marbles were such a hit, I'll be adding baby aspirin and cod liver oil to this years rotation....Trick-or treat! ツ

   The next person I hear blaring "Gangnam Style" at a stoplight is getting stabbed in the temples with an olive fork!

   I thought I saw an "Occupy Wall Street" support group tonight....Turns out it was just a dozen city cops occupying Dunkin' Donuts.

   <----- threw a crate of Milk Duds all over the floor at a Weight Watchers meeting last night....It was the best game of "Hungry Hungry Hippos" I ever saw!

   In celebration of turning a year older, I'll be wearing my birthday suit all day.....so just make sure that's my HAND you're shaking at church tomorrow!

   riding that train high on cocaine!