KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

   You know you're fat when you run out of breath eating.

   Ladies: A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world...oh sorry thats wine...wine does that.

   What if random erections are actually ninja handjobs?

   Who do I speak to about quitting adulthood?

   In my lifetime I have learnt that women, who appear quiet, shy and innocent looking in public are actually the biggest freaks behind closed doors.

   ‎"Give it to me!" she said, "I'm so wet, give it to me right now!" And I replied, “Screw you, it's my umbrella!”

   The liquor store is a great place to meet new friends.

   Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

   Getting older means telling the grocery store checker the full story behind every item you buy.

   When you love someone truly and unconditionally, age, distance, bank balance, height or weight is just a damn number.

   Oh, let's play that love game where you ignore me constantly and it kills me inside, then I start ignoring you too and it gets your attention!

   The best time to give kids advice is when they're still young enough to believe you.

   If coffee or booze can't fix it, then it's a serious problem.

   At least this apocalypse and rapture debacle has conclusively proven one significant fact: We are not alone! We have idiots living among us!

   Three Apples changed the world. The first one tempted Eve, the second inspired Newton and the third was offered to the world half eaten by Steve Jobs. RIP

   The best part about working from home is the alcohol.

   Let everyone know what is on your mind, but let only a few know what is in your heart.

   Sometimes people don't notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. The they are like, “Why don't you stalk me anymore”

   My life is a constant panic attack occasionally interrupted by a nap