Hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   Lighting a cigarette immediately after buckling your seat belt is like saying "I wanna die soonish, just not today."

   The NSA says it stopped a Wall Street attack, just not the ginormous ones the bankers perpetrated.

   I bet all the Heat fans are super excited for Game 8 tomorrow night.

   I'm on day 4 of no carbs and I see the difference already. 4 days ago I was fat & happy but now I'm fat and I wish I was dead

   *christopher walken giving tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unnecessary pause* for walken

   The Scarecrow didn't have the brains, Tin Man didn't have the heart, and the Lion didn't have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

   Walmart calls it the "self checkout" line. I call it the "I'm not going to pay for all of this" line.

   No, YOU seem to be around whenever there's trouble, officer.

   What the hell did we do while waiting at red lights before cell phones?

   According to my Nike Fitness App, I've watched TV on my couch for 7 miles this week.

   " I feel like a million bucks." -Billionaire having a crappy day.

   Next time your sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven’t picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

   Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.

   The weather is so hot it just told me I’d make a great friend.

   Very hard explaining to a 4yo how paper beats rock. None of us likes it, that's just the way it is, but we accept it and move on.

   They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. I bet you 5,000$ it's on my friend Mike.

   Bud Light? I'd rather Light Bud.

   There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no beer. And without beer, I'll kill you all.

   I just dropped my iPhone in liquor, and now Siri is slurring her words, won't stop talking, stumbling and trying to have sex with me.

   Commercial idea : shaq in front of a mirror singing "love shaq, baby love shaq" into a hairbrush