Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Twerking is great for working out your legs and daddy issues at the same time

   Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.

   Being a nice person is so exhausting, which is why a$$holes always have so much energy.

   Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.

   I'd take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.

   You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

   My ex called to say that she hates me and wished I was dead, also to ask if I needed anything from the liquor store.

   I sensed she was starting to pull away when she changed the locks to the house.

   My wife said that my pen!s closely resembles a Tic Tac. She was proud of her remark until I asked her why her sister still has bad breath then.

   I find it curious that Kermit sings about how hard it is being green but nothing about screwing a pig.

   The amount of people I have to say good morning to on a daily basis really pisses me off

   You had me at "tubes tied"

   When I turn up the car radio, that's a sign to shut up… not talk louder and ruin the song.

   I hate when I run into the one that got away at the grocery store… and she's all like “There's the son of a b!tch who kidnapped me!”

   The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?

   P0rn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend and stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos

   Kanye West spoke at Harvard, just in case you were wondering about the direction of the country.

   May the shooter's 72 virgins be all males.