Funny Status Messages

   I typed my ex's address into my gps and instead of directions the voice said "I don't think you really want to go there"

   I heard a fantastic idea today. Instead of the strip-screener machines at the airport, we need a reinforced isolation chamber, once in, any explosives on the body are somehow detonated. Everyone is happy.

   it's not possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement!

   Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.

   Within every clean house is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous crap that someone just tossed in there.

   I'm not a geek, I just understand things you can't begin to comprehend.

   I don't jog for the same reason you don't see dump trucks running in the Indy 500...I know my limits.

   new years eve – one of the only days when it is socially acceptable to start drinking this early

   I hate when I can't understand what I'm eavesdropping on.

   The one constant among all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers

   Dear Facebook, we asked for a 'dislike' button, not a confusing profile layout, or a smaller font size! Sincerely, Facebook User

   You think the glass is half empty. I just appreciate that I have some beer left in it.

   I miss the days when the scariest thing on TV was "The Twilight Zone" and not "The Nightly News."

   Just had a very positive experience with Verizon Customer Service. What the hell is this world coming to?

   A mouth with a sharp tongue will cut its own throat

   Before I go to sleep, I start imagining stuff that I would like to happen.

   to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I've been turned into a parrot!"

   I've noticed that my usage of profanity increases when I play pacman

   Woke up with a sore neck. It seems my memory foam has amnesia.

   Im not as smart as a 5th grader ...but I think I could kick the shi%t out of one of them..!!!!