Funny Status Messages

   Me: can I have a large? Starbucks employee: you mean a venti? Me: can we not fu$&ing do this

   ZOOKEEPER: As you all know, one of the penguins has somehow gone missing & we need to find it.. ME: *nervously* it's finders keepers tho,,, right?

   A picture only captures a millisecond of a life. So at the end of the day, don't judge a person by their pics.

   I got kicked out of Subway again for NOT talking on my iPhone when ordering a sandwich

   I wanted to serve my wife breakfast in bed but she wouldn't cooperate. By the time I got her tied up so she couldn't get out I had to feed her myself. It got a bit messy, but happy mother's day anyway

   Banana peel, coffee grounds, pizza crust, beer bottles, empty tins, paper plates, sales papers. Don't mind me I'm just talking trash.

   A moped is basically just a motorized key to every girl's heart locket.

   Guy's lame excuse for not hanging out #473: I have to help my friend change his car oil

   The first rule of the Pizza Club is there are no rules. I mean pineapple, there is no pineapple.

   Turns our Superman is fine with kryptonite, he's actually allergic to peanuts.

   Turns out Superman is fine with kryptonite, he's actually allergic to peanuts.

   It's HARD being this creepy.

   At first I thought it said, "Kourtney Kardashian takes a dump on Scott Disick" which would make much more sense.

   I'm living in a drama-free bubble today.

   As others prepare for another exciting college school year. I prepare myself for another 40 hour work week.

   Monday... that better not be your ugly ass I see peeking around the corner!

   I call bravo Sierra on distance makes the heart grow fonder. Distance makes you have to do dishes and cook and stuff.

   A home invasion but it's just you staggering in drunk at 4AM because you can't find your keys

   This year I failed at the resolution to not procrastinate so much and I have about 11 hours and 45 minutes to make good on the rest of my 2015 resolutions!

   What's the appropriate reply when your ex calls you and says a bunch of sh*t you didn't really listen to?