SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Remember, it's not officially a holiday family fight until someone shouts 'we're not fighting, we're DISCUSSING!'

   My homeboy's got girl problems, so I'm at some dive bar offering bro-side assistance. That's code for whisky shots.

   HOLIDAY PARTY TIP: If the mood's right under the mistletoe, don't be afraid to go in for a little mistlefinger.

   It's pretty funny to strap a Christmas tree to the roof of your car, light it on fire, and drive around like nothing's wrong.

   Happy "Most of Alabama Hates This Day" Day!

   Excuse me.....Excuse me.....excuSE ME....MOVE B!TCH!

   - If Washington raises the debt limit, they should buy every American a Bud Light and charge it to China.

   This is like the 8th Christmas in a row I've been doing my last minute shopping & forgotten about the 10 day waiting period on handguns.

   There's no such thing as 'a pair of ugly - cleanly shaven female legs' wrapped around your neck.

   People are like books. You can't judge them by appearance alone and it's not cool to burn a big pile of them.

   Scotch looks delicious, but then you take one sip and it tastes like a leather furniture store that's on fire.

   I don't have much of a moral compass, but sometimes I still use a character map.

   Having blue teeth would be cooler than wearing a Bluetooth.

   There's a reminder on my calendar for tomorrow that inexplicably just says "LEOPARD". This has been bothering me all month.

   Got held up at customs again. Think it might be because of my rock look.

   Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.

   Not enough people realize the value of slacking off.

   Forgetful? Can't remember where you put things? There's an app for that, somewhere...

   Ugh. Sometimes I just can't help f***ing up. I don't need an angel on my shoulder I need an etiquette instructor with a cattle prod.

   It's like Uncle Pete always said, it's never too early to dip your balls in the gravy. (Uncle Pete's in prison now.)