Funny Status Messages
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You'd be surprised at how quick Home depot employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw... 
Do you think a time travelling Villain travelled back to 2016 and changed the time stream so Donald Trump could get elected?
I should of went to the store before I gone to bed but I was to tired and I went to their to early and I was afraid I would loose to much sleep.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Guys, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be nice and wipe the seat.
Girls love surprises until they get a finger in da butt...
. If rocks are to be considered as rifels. Does that mean rock beats paper?
America's enemies must be shaking in fear of this new "All talk, no action" approach to foreign problems. I mean Trump can really, really talk.
I thought Trump said for every CEO that drops out of the Manufacturing Council, he have many to take their place. Was he lying? No he can't be, because he's Trump.
Trump: “a great leader like me always keeps his opponents iin the dark”. Also Trump: “I think I’ll tweet a dozen times about my China trade strategy and exactly how it’s working”.
You can take the New Yorker out of New York, but you can't take the New York out of the New Yorker.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Thank You Rich Rod for an Amazing 3 Years, your time has been greatly appreciated! - The Rest of the Big Ten
You want me on your wall! You need me on your wall!
Ugly strikes one out of every three people...
thanx to my ex GF,I now have to shave between eyebrows because "stupid me" let her wax there one nite for sh*ts and giggles
currently watching a jailbait parade
I think I want a 3D bigscreen, now I just need 3 grand....
A penny saved is a penny earned. But its easier just to take from the "Take a penny, leave a penny" jar at the store. Afterall, that's why its there.
A Pennsylvania woman alleges Donald Duck grabbed her breast and molested her at Epcot Center in Florida after she sought an autograph. Mickey and Minnie witnessed the event. Mr. Duck could not be reached for comment. 