Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I don't think women like flowers, they just like seeing how dumb men are "this guy is actually spending money to buy a plant we won't eat?"

   Fact: People that don't like pizza are on a most wanted list somewhere.

   Anything that says, don't take with alcohol, I'm probably gonna take it with alcohol. That's how you make medicine fun, kids.

   Sex so good you get her name right.

   Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)

   I may not be as happy as you, but I make up for it with tequila and denying my problems exist.

   when I was little not only did I have to walk to school..my dad would drive by and flip me off.

   I lose all arguments with my wife because the last time I won I didn't get laid for weeks

   I didn't have enough closet space so I bought a treadmill.

   Should I go over and talk to her? Go over there dude. A pregnant woman should never drink alone.

   I accidentally shot my wife on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.

   "Daddy, what happens when a person dies?" "Son, they get married and have kids"

   I go to a hair salon where you can get a hand job while you get your hair cut. It's your own hand though, and you have to be very discreet.

   I'm going to get drunk white girl annoying tonight.

   Nothing makes you feel more alive then standing on a grave.

   How many white girls does it take to change a light bulb? I have no clue, but I guarantee they'll post a picture of it on Instagram.

   i just worked out. well, I just did push ups. well, 1 push up. well, I tripped and got back up. well, I'm actually still laying here. *takes a nap*

   Oops, It slipped, wrong hole! But since I'm already here..... - MEN

   I just yawned and my last girlfriends soul flew out.

   Of course I do respect the dead. I don't respect anyone unless they are dead anyway.