Funny Status Messages

   Just like all relationships, the people that I have been FB friends with the longest get on my nerves the most.

   Every chair is a reclining chair if you don't understand what reclining mean.

   I don't want to have any cold that I didn't even get to have sex to catch.

   Single people: If you're looking for someone 10+ years younger than you don't tell us about how you want someone that "respects" you...

   How to tell if a girls mad at you: 1. Shes telling you she's not mad at you.

   Put your pants back on; you're my accountant not my dentist

   hey look at you with your beady little eyes that are way too close together *BLOCKED*

   Sears is no longer a store, it's a place to question the purpose and fate of life on earth

   The main reason they thought Manti Te'o suffered a concussion, when he came to the sidelines he said he saw his girlfriend.

   Look me in the lazy eye and tell me you love me. Other eye.

   I wonder if Pink's carpet matches the name.

   At least it wasn't PITBULL who won the RAP ALBUM award.

   Can't decide what to get my lover for Valentine's. Like, do I buy it a new case, get it serviced or just constantly tell my phone I love it?

   Life is waaaaaay too short to safely remove a usb...

   Time is running out for me to discover the meaning of life

   If she's special you have to send her a text message to ensure she made it safely to her destination this morning.

   After facing backlash from customers, Subway says it will remove a chemical in its bread that’s also found in yoga mats. Some people were like, “You mean I’ve been eating a dangerous chemical?” While most people were like, “You mean I can eat my

   I hate when my mom tells people I'm 391 months old.

   Will there soon be an onslaught of Shirley Temple quotes like the Tupac and Marilyn Monroe quotes on facebook? I want to get in the game early and keep my edge

   I dont drink these days. I am Allergic to alcohol and Narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.